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24
Performance-related pay, Miles Hawke & Norland Park
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Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 02 - Lost in a Good Book
'Performance-related pay was the bane of SpecOps as much then as it is now.
How can your work be assessed when your job is so extraordinarily varied? I
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would love to have seen Officer Stoker's review panel listen to what he got up
to. It was no surprise to anyone that they rarely lasted more than twenty
seconds and he was, as always, awarded an "A++"
"Exceptional service, monthly bonus recommended".'
THURSDAY NEXT
A Life in SpecOps
Dog tired, I slept well that night. I had expected to see Landen but dreamt of
Humpty Dumpty, which was odd. I went into work, avoided Cordelia again and
then had to take my turn with the employment review board, which was all part
of the SpecOps work-related pay scheme. Victor would have given us all 'A++',
but sadly it wasn't conducted by him it was chaired by the area commander,
Braxton Hicks.
'Ah, Next!' he said jovially as I entered. 'Good to see you. Have a seat,
won't you?'
I thanked him and sat down. He looked at my performance file for the past few
months and stroked his moustache thoughtfully.
'How's your golf?'
'I never took it up.'
'Really?' he said with surprise. 'You sounded most keen when we first met.'
'I've been busy.'
'Quite, quite. Well, you've been with us three months and on the whole your
performance seems to be excellent. That
Jane Eyre malarkey was a remarkable achievement; it did SpecOps the power of
good and showed those bean-counters in London that the Swindon office could
hold its own.'
'Thank you.'
'No, really, I mean it. All this PR work you've been doing. The Network is
very grateful to you and, more than that, I'm grateful to you. I could have
been on the scrapheap if it wasn't for you. I'd really like to shake you by
the hand and I don't do this very often, y'know put you up for membership
of my golf club.
Full membership, no less the sort usually reserved for men.'
'That's more than generous of you,' I said, getting up to leave.
'Sit down, Next that was just the friendly bit.'
'There's more?'
'Yes,' he replied, his smile fading. '
Despite all of that, your conduct over the past two weeks has been less than
satisfactory. I've had a complaint from Mrs Hathaway to say that you failed
to spot her forged
34
copy of
Cardenio
.'
'I told her it was a forgery in no uncertain terms.'
'That's your story, Next. I haven't located your report on the matter.'
'I didn't think it was worth the trouble to write one, sir.'
'We have to keep on top of paperwork, Next. If the new legislation on SpecOps
accountability comes into force we will be under severe scrutiny every time we
take a step, so get used to it and what's this about you hitting a
Neanderthal?'
'A misunderstanding.'
'Hm. Is this also a misunderstanding?'
He laid a police charge sheet on the desk.
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Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 02 - Lost in a Good Book
' "
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Pemissioning a car to be driven by personn of low moral turpithtude
." You lent your car to a lunatic driver, then helped her to escape the law
what on earth did you think you were doing?'
'The greater good, sir.'
'No such thing,' he barked back, handing me a SpecOps claim docket. 'Officer
Tillen at Stores gave me this. It's your claim for a new Browning automatic.'
I stared dumbly at the docket. My original Browning, the one I had looked
after from first issue, had been left in a motorway services somewhere in a
patch of Bad Time.
'I take this very seriously, Next. It says here you "lost" SpecOps property in
unsanctioned
SO-12 work.
Flagrant disregard for Network property makes me very angry, Next. There is
our budget to think of, you know.'
'I thought it would come down to that,'
I murmured.
'What did you say?'
'I said: "I'll retrieve it eventually, sir".'
'Maybe so. But lost property has to come under the monthly current expenditure
and not the yearly
resupply budget. We've been a little stretched recently. Your escapade with
Jane Eyre was successful but not without cost. All things considered, I am
sorry, but I will have to mark your performance as: "F"
"Definite room for improvement".'
'An "F"? Sir, I must protest!'
'Talk's over, Next. I'm truly sorry. This is quite out of my hands.'
'Is this an SO-1 way of punishing me?' I asked. 'You know I've never had
anything lower than an "A" in all my eight years with the service!'
'Raising your voice does you no good at all, young lady,' replied Hicks in an
even tone, wagging his finger as a man might do to his spaniel. 'This
interview is over. I am truly, truly sorry, believe me.'
I got up, mumbled a reply, saluted and made for the door.
'Wait!' said Braxton. 'There's something else.'
I returned.
'Yes?'
He handed over a packet of clothes in a polythene bundle.
'The department is now sponsored by the Toast Marketing Board. You'll find a
hat, T-shirt and jacket in this package. Wear them when you can and be
prepared for some corporate entertainment.'
'Sir!'
'Don't complain. If you hadn't eaten that toast on
The Adrian Lush Show they would never have contacted us. Over a million quid
in funding not to be sniffed at with people like you soaking up the funds.
Shut the door on the way out, will you?'
The morning's fun wasn't over. As I stepped out of Braxton's office I almost
bumped into Flanker.
'Ah!' he said. 'Next. A word with you, if you don't mind.'
It wasn't a request it was an order. I followed him into an empty interview
room and he closed the door.
'Seems to me you're in such deep shit your eyes will turn brown, Next.'
'My eyes are already brown, Flanker.'
'Then you're halfway there already. I'll come straight to the point. You
earned six hundred pounds last
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Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 02 - Lost in a Good Book night to pay back
rent.'
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'And?'
'The service takes a dim view of moonlighting.'
'It was Stoker at SO-17,' I told him. 'I was deputised all above board.'
Flanker went quiet. His intelligence-gathering had obviously let him down
badly.
'Can I go?'
Flanker sighed.
'Listen here, Thursday,' he began in a more moderate tone of voice, 'we need
to know what your father is up to.'
'What's the problem? Industrial action standing in the way of next week's
cataclysmic event?'
'Freelance navigators will sort it out, Next.'
He was bluffing.
'You have no more idea about the nature of the armageddon than Dad, me,
Lavoisier, or anyone else, do you?'
'Perhaps not,' replied Flanker, 'but we at SpecOps are far better suited to
having no clue at all than you and that chronupt father of yours.'
'Chronupt?' I said angrily, getting to my feet. 'My father? That's a joke!
What is your golden boy
Lavoisier doing eradicating my husband, then?'
There was silence for a moment.
'That's a very serious accusation,' observed Flanker. 'Have you any proof?'
'Of course not; isn't that the point of eradication?'
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