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Aleytys gazed out over the bright blue swells that merged indistinguishably
with the bright blue sky. The sun was warm on her back. A gentle breeze teased
at her hair, ruffled along the curve of her forearm. The sky was empty, the
sea was empty. Somewhere below and behind her Linfyar was whistling bits of
song which Shadith would take up and vary back at him. The calm about her
mocked her lack of calm.
For the rest of the day and the days that followed, she sat on her hilltop
wrestling with the uglier aspects of her nature, with hatred and resentment
and self-loathing. With need and fear and anger. Memories of love offered and
rejected, the times when she was hurting and helpless, the times when the
other children taunted her about her mother, what they called her mother, what
they called her, having to face the truth of some of what they said, that her
mother had left her, abandoned her. Carrying Sharl curled in the curve of her
arm. Sharl, nursing with such determined energy. Sharl, whom she loved with
all the agony of her own need for love. Her need for love.
She hugged her arms across her breasts and stared unseeing at a sky newly
streaked with red, the day gone without her noting it. Need for love, fear of
rejection. What if she looks at me like Kell did? Despises me? Anger. Why not
come for me once she made her way home? She rubbed at her forehead,
remembering Grey and how he kept her from exploding in a frenzy of destruction
when she came back from seeing her son, when Vajd denied her and forced her to
leave the child behind.
Yet when she looked more deeply into herself, into what she was then, she
realized suddenly that Grey was able to stop her only because, in spite of her
very real pain, there was more than a little relief behind the grief.
Ambivalent to the end, she thought. I ached for him and I knew he d be a drag
on me. She blinked at the brilliant display thrown up by the setting sun, drew
in a long breath and held it until her head roared then let it out slowly. I
am Shareem, she said. She s me. The same. Ay-Madar. The same. She rubbed
hard down her face. I knew it, that was part of the rage. As angry at myself
as I was at her.
day 42
As the sky darkened, Shadith climbed the hill with a pot of fish stew in one
hand, a pot of cha dangling from the other, both held carefully away from her
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thighs. She set them on the grass by Aleytys and stood gazing down at her.
You looking better.
Aleytys moved her shoulders, twisted about on her buttocks. I ve been
spring-cleaning my head. Not much fun, but I think I ve about reached bottom.
Just as well. Wakille s starting to pet me a bit much, not long till he wants
to work on my head, I m afraid. Nothing I can t handle so far, but it s
irritating. I ve had to slap him down some. I think he d behave himself better
if you were around. You and Harskari, you near scared him honest when you
fixed the storm.
Aleytys stretched, straightened out her legs, worked her knees. In the
morning I ll have a talk with him. Unless it s urgent.
He just needs reminding. Shadith blushed, startling Aleytys. This body s
virgin, she said. Be damned if I m gonna be forced by the first horny
bastard who gets an urge. She looked fierce, then laughed. But I mean it.
Bring your blankets up here if you want. You won t disturb me if you don t
talk.
Thanks, I think I ll do that.
Aleytys watched her run down the slope and into the trees, felt a sudden burst
of jealousy that she ridiculed at first then forced herself to face. No more
hiding. Can t afford it. When we get back to Wolff, she ll be going off with
Swartheld. My love. My other love. Her mouth worked. A problem resolved
without any act of mine. She closed her eyes, stretched, laced her fingers at
the back of her head. I want them both. No way I can keep them both without
hurting too many people. What about me? Swartheld and Shadith. It hurts.
Madar, it hurts. Come to terms with it, Lee. Maybe it won t happen. Maybe
they ve known each other too well too long. If it happens, it happens. Make up
your mind, Lee, face it. You are not going to leave Grey and go off with
Swartheld. You know it. Swartheld knows it. Grey s probably the only one not
sure of it. Time. It ll pass and we ll drift away from each other, Swartheld,
Shadith, Harskari and me. We ve been too close too long and need some distance
now. Madar grant we don t lose each other entirely. It could happen. I don t
want it to happen. I need them, all of them. Shadith and Swartheld. And
Harskari when she gets out.
She moved restlessly on the grass. There was that familiar ache in her loins,
her nipples were tender, her breasts swollen. This too, dammit. Her hands
moved restlessly over her thighs, her breasts, combed through the hair she d
let hang free about her face. She folded her arms again, hugged them tight
against her. Shadith, damn you, she thought, her mouth twitching into a wry
half-smile. Talking about horny bastards. You re no help, girl. She sighed,
picked up the spoon and began on the fish stew.
day 43
She stirred, looked around. Shadith lay close by, wrapped in her blanket and
sleeping heavily as if she hadn t been getting enough rest. Why did I let him
leech onto us? He d have followed anyway, but I didn t have to let him get
close. I ll skin him if he bothers her anymore. She got to her feet. The moon
was long set and the night was so quiet each breath was like a shout. She was
tired, very tired, but there was a final slough she had to drain, the
self-loathing that lay beneath the worst of her fears. Say the words and pull
their sting. She sank down onto the grass, ran her hands back and forth along
her thighs, worked her mouth, this was the worst of all the things she d dug
for and she was very reluctant to begin.
I am a freak, she whispered. Something to frighten babies with. Thing.
Thing. That s how I see myself. Ugly. Nothing about me anyone could like let
alone love. A grotesque. I buy people with my skills and my power but I hide
from them. If they really knew me, they d despise me, hate me, kick me away
from them. So I play my tricks. Clown. Puppy wagging her tail, begging to be
noticed just a little, whining. If I face Shareem, she ll see all this. Kell
saw it. Mud. She ll turn her back on the thing she birthed.
Said like that, brought into the light instead of festering unspoken, she saw
the distortion in that view of herself, and seeing it found the pain greatly
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diminished. Against all the rejections of her past her cousins and
half-siblings, her lovers, her son put against those was her pleasure and
pride in what she d accomplished the past few years, a sense that she was
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